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Retirement for the British married man.

What happens when a man gets to 65?

Does he reach a stage in his life when he thinks that he has done most of what he wanted to do and now he can sit back and enjoy his retirement?

Does he think that it is up to the others now to carry on in the way that he has taught them?

Does he expect the full cooperation of everyone around him because he has always given them all of his attention in the past?

He’ been dashing around for all those years and there’s no need to move fast at all anymore is there?

Why do you need a rapid boil kettle when you’re retired?

No way, you are living in a dream world.

The reality of it all is that there is no such thing as taking it easy, because when you do, they think you’ve lost your marbles.

Your children will turn up on your sixty fifth birthday and discuss the state of your mind with your wife as though you are not even in the room.

The conversation goes like this “how’s he coping, is he alright, is he bored yet”

They will drop big hints about you now having the time to do all their little jobs for them but raise doubts about your ability to actually do them.

Some days they will question whether or not you have the physical abilities and another day the mental abilities.

Some days both qualities are called into question.

It’s not long before the questions arise, will you be alright driving that far or,

are you sure you know what you are doing?

For goodness sake when you were working you drove up to 200 miles in a day and still took them shopping in the evening.

Can you remember when you had to make all the decisions about mortgages, energy suppliers and such?

Can you remember when someone needed to be telephoned and you were told that you should sort it because that was what husbands and dads do and could you do it from work because my friends always phone me during the day.

Now, every decision you make is questioned and every phone call you make you will be told what to say and when to say it.

For years nobody wanted to open your mail, now you never even get to the letter box first.

Nobody ever asked if there was enough money in the bank to cover all the bills, now the finances are the responsibility of the wife and don’t even think about disagreeing or suggesting alternative methods.

Do not suggest trying a different brand of something in the supermarket, or the stinging remarks will start.

What is wrong with the brand we always have, why didn’t you say before that you don’t like it, are you criticising the way I run my home?

If you offer to help in the kitchen you will be accused of wanting to take over.

If you offer to help with the vacuuming, the same applies.

If you dare to approach the biscuit tin your waist line will come under scrutiny.

When you were working you always had a few quid in your wallet, just in case.

What do you want money for, she’s always with you and she has enough for both of you, that’s if you can get it off her.

Before, when you wanted a new printer for your computer it was fine because, they are your wages you must spend them as you wish.

Now it’s, what do you want a new one for, can’t you make the old one last a bit longer.

“Why do you want to spend all your time searching for your ancestors” she says,” You probably wouldn’t have liked them anyway”.

Can you remember when the late film came on just as you were off to bed and you swore that when you retired you would sit up and watch them right through to the end?

“Forget it, it’s a waste of electricity sitting there on your own until all hours it’ll be on again next week” she says.

How about spending some quality time with the grandson?

Can’t do that, he has gone off to university, he is gainfully employed on a 3 year drinking course financed by the British public.

You can recall the days when you helped to teach him to ride his bike and took him to the baths to learn to swim.

When he was eight he said,” When you’re dead can I have your camera “?

Now, he’s not interested because he has his camera phone and an I Pod thingy and an SLR camera is far too difficult to master.

There was a time when he declared that granddad was his mentor, granddad knew everything, best person to ask is granddad, he’ll know.

Need a lift into town, ask granddad.

Want to know how they make things, ask granddad.

Now he’s at university granddad is the last person on his contacts list.

Never mind it was all good while it lasted and there isn’t anything I would change even if I could.

Listen lads, if you should recognise any of the above facts just smile and keep them to yourself, for goodness sake don’t show it to the wife.

I’ve been told to say that all characters portrayed herein are fictitious and do not bear any resemblance whatsoever to any persons living or dead.

David Wood